Three ways to build your self esteem
By Lois Raats, M.Ed.
 Self-Acceptance
Becoming more self-aware is an important first step on the road to self-esteem. But while you're noticing, you also need to accept what you're finding out about yourself.
People often have a lot of trouble with this step, because their thoughts and assumptions get in the way.
Thoughts like "What's wrong with me?..." "I shouldn't be feeling this way..." "Why can't I get over this?" "It must be my fault..." stem from embedded assumptions like "I'm not worthwhile", "My feelings don't count"; "I have less right to take up space on planet Earth than s/he does"; "I have nothing important to contribute here".
Gail is an honour student in her high school. Lately she's become aware that every time she attends a meeting of the student council, she'll say one or two things that cause her to appear stupid. Upon reflection, she's aware that the main feeling she experiences during these meetings is anxiety. But rather than just accepting her reaction, she questions it, saying to herself, "What's wrong with me?" "I should have had that covered." "I'm a grown woman, I shouldn't be feeling like a kid every time I talk to these people...".
The result is predictable...by questioning her reaction, Gail becomes even more anxious than she was in the first place, and stumbles over herself even more.
There are a number of more helpful, self-accepting thoughts and assumptions.
Gail could be entertaining as she's meeting with her peers.
Assumption: I am a capable person who from time to time gets anxious.
Resulting helpful thought: Anxiety is a natural reaction when a person feels threatened. It's okay to feel anxious, even if it's not fun.
Assumption: It's just as likely that I'm not the problem, as that I am.
Thought: Is there something about this situation that reminds me of an anxiety-provoking situation from childhood? (i.e. something I can do a little inner work with right here and now) Or is my anxiety telling me something important about the people in this room? (some useful information I need to identify about the situation).
Assumption: I can trust my own awareness's, feelings, and abilities.
Thoughts: I can trust my hunch about what is happening... what do I know about my strengths and abilities that can help me out with this situation?
By identifying her assumptions and redirecting her thoughts, Gail can take herself out of the one-down position, which is engendering and feeding her anxiety, and get back in touch with her strengths and capabilities.
Self-Affirmation
A discipline is simply a habit that's practiced intentionally on a regular basis. Self-affirmation involves disciplining oneself to be intentionally self-aware and self-accepting over a period of time.
The key concept here is INTENTIONALITY - using your will to consistently point yourself in a helpful direction.
For example, Gail could choose to think helpful thoughts, instead of unhelpful ones, each time she's in a threatening situation at school. If Gail could do this consistently, she would be practicing the discipline of self-affirmation. She would be thinking and acting from the assumption that she is a lovable and capable person, and she would be doing this even when she has made mistakes and experienced failures.
Self-affirmation is not a synonym for grandiosity or self-delusion... it doesn't involve telling yourself you're perfect when you're not, or pretending you haven't made mistakes when you have.
Instead, affirming yourself through life's difficulties involves noticing the truth, and choosing to forgive yourself when you goof up. You don't want to let yourself off too easily - being too forgiving undermines competence and thus decreases self-esteem. But it's important to give yourself lots of space to just be human.
In addition to helpful self-talk, there are many other concrete ways to practice self-affirmation.
- Journaling
By taking the time to write down and consider your deepest thoughts and reflections, you are automatically affirming that you are worthwhile and important. The added side benefits of journaling are increased self-awareness and self-acceptance. Two helpful resources on journaling are The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron, and Write it Down, Make it Happen, by Henriette Klauser.
- Notes
It may sound hokey, but people find it very powerful to write themselves notes. When I was in a low period during my university days, I wrote out the sentence I AM LOVEABLE AND CAPABLE in big letters and posted it on my bathroom mirror. It helped! Other people write themselves "Rainy Day Letters" just for days when they are down. I keep a file of all the thank you letters from clients, and read them when I need encouragement.
- Fun
When we're down on ourselves, sometimes the last thing we think of doing is going out and having fun. But pleasure is tremendously self-affirming, and is often exactly what we need.
- Community
Goes without saying that the support of friends, colleagues, and family is crucial for a healthy sense of self. When your tank is empty, call a friend - but learn to support yourself through other methods when friends are not available.
- Spiritual Practice
Meditation, prayer, and scripture reading can help you to understand your purpose, get a sense of the "Big Picture" of your life, and keep your other problems in perspective.
- Self-assessment
This is especially helpful form of self-affirmation during times of transition when we're walking in circles, muttering..."Duh, who am I again?" There are lots of these available on the internet. My favorites are the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory, DISC Behavioral Inventory, PIAV Values Inventory, and Strong Interest Inventory. Do a few of these and you will have a structured way to think about yourself and your capabilities, and will hopefully come to some new awareness's as well.
- Creativity
Putting yourself out there in the universe in any way, shape, or form helps remind you that you are worthwhile. So write a song, form a hockey team, build a boat, pen a poem, create a drawing, make some curtains - and affirm yourself at the same time.
Self-awareness is the foundational stepping-stone, self-acceptance starts you down the road, and self-affirmation keeps you rolling down the highway! Practice these three disciplines, and you'll be well on your way to greater self-confidence and self-esteem.
Back to Part One
About the Author
© 2003 Lois Raats, M.Ed. www.CoachLois.com
May be distributed freely, with credits and with no changes made, for any non-profit purpose.
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